To be honest? I have typed and erased the matter of this post thrice and I still have no idea how to put whatever I want to put in words. So, I am going to start typing this post from this point. By being honest. Current situation and stuff.
Yes, so. Current situation? While my family is sitting together, having dinner and spending a regular Saturday night, I am sitting in my room, listening to slow and melancholic yet peaceful songs from the album of The Vampire Diaries. With just one low wattage bulb of my desk shining over my head, the rest of my room is in darkness. I kinda like my room this way. A whole lot of darkness and few light bulbs trying to fight this darkness. LED bulbs, man… Just perfect for the environment of my room and also makes me go green!! – Double advantage. Even though I love to paint, I have never really succeeded in portraying what really goes in my head and soul. My room, or as I call it- My DEN is the only place where I feel safe. The only place in the entire world where I can be with myself completely. No one is going to judge, make opinions and most importantly…crush my heart.
Okay, even describing my current situation didn’t help me in getting a definite path so that I could explain the title of this post. FAIL. *inhales and exhales heavy while typing it.* Sigh.
Most of you must be thinking why am I even trying to write something when I am not even finding clear words. Well, because I am trying to make a point. And the funny thing is that I don’t know what the point is yet. Haha.
It is not always easy to explain to someone what is going on in your head. It is like a batter of numerous ingredients. Just like one cannot separate the ingredients of a cake after they are all mixed into a batter, it is impossible to separate everything I feel and think about from this huge huge batter of voices in my head. At least for me it seems to be impossible. Does this example even make sense? My love for food took over. Lol. Anyway, getting back to the finally founded definite path of thoughts, it is not easy to explain to people the hows, whys and whats of your mind. They ask you the reason for your certain behavior and you reply by saying “it’s nothing. Mood swings.” Because giving all of the shit going in your head a general label than actually explaining what exactly it is in words is easier. They ask you if you are okay and you tell them that that you’re fine, even when one of your inside voices is silently screaming “fuck no! I am not even close to okay.” and another screams “do you care or is it just a conversation starter?” and another yells “why’d you ask? so that you could laugh at my miserable life?” and another wittingly says “Let’s be honest with our lives and laugh at it, together.” Haha, no. I am not talking about just myself here. I know many can relate and dude, hence this post. 😉
So, instead of talking about it to people, we all stick to this 4 steps procedure-
STEP 1: INHALE – Filling ourselves with the maximum to the point maximum oxygen which makes our chest swell.
STEP 2: HOLD IT – Keeping the oxygen in our lungs for few seconds, making everything around and inside us pause for those few seconds. All the multiple voices of our head stop. It is all still.
STEP 3: EXHALE – Emptying our lungs. Cooling down the agony and calming down the dickhead voices of our heads. Helping us function like normal human beings instead of depressing-emotionally crippled maniacs.
STEP 4: REPEAT – And when the voices start yelling again… making us question our damn existence because well these voices are dickheads as I mentioned in the above step, we repeat the entire procedure. Cause man! One gotta repeat it. Well, if you want to survive long in this never ending labyrinth, my friend. (My previous post)
I hope I finally did justice to the title I gave to my post.
So I guess the point I was trying to make was that even a head (my head) which is pregnant with countless thoughts and voices but is unable to deliver all of it in well defined, high lit and moving words can write a relatable blog post (bragging) and try and connect with its readers. 🙂
Keep battling the dickhead voices.