Am I the books I read?
Am I the music I listen to?
Am I the sketches I sketch?
Am I the movies I watch?
Am I the thoughts I think?
Or the feelings I feel?
Am I the tears I cry?
Or the bunny teeth smile of mine?
Am I the clothes I wear?
Am I what I pretend to be on the internet?
Or am I the me I pretend to be when I am around humans?
Or this void? Am I this void in me? This sheer excruciating numbness?
Why am I the way I am?
Can I blame it on the people I met?
Am I the people I meet? … People! The people I meet! People, yeah. People. As I grew and is growing, they introduced and are introducing me to different emotions from love to hate and everything which lies in between. The ones who taught me how to love and hope again. The ones who taught me how and why one hates what they hate and how hope is just an illusion.
Funny how growing up changed me into this speechless, wrecked and aflamed yet numb creature. Clinging to everything which talks for me. The lame, non pro, immature sketches, the weird choice of my playlist, and especially the *eff sign*. I wonder what would I do without this *eff sign*. Saves me the labor of talking and explaining stuff. Too tired and lazy to express what you feel? Just raise your *eff finger* and do a little thing with your expressions and aye! It works!
I honestly don’t know where I am getting at with this post lol. Just like my other pointless posts!
Why do I feel so confused about everything?
Why do I forgive the people I should not?
Why am I unable to choose and stick to one side?
Why do I go on to get myself attached even after learning ample lessons?
Why am I attracted to the weird, strange and complicated beings?
Why do I like what hurts me?
Why do I contradict my own statements?
Why do I end up being people’s subject of mockery and comments?
Why do I lament loneliness even when I love being alone?
Why do I ignore talking on phone calls yet feel so comfortable on texts and in person? What is it about me and calls smh.
Why don’t I initiate things even when I am dying to?
I honestly did not picture me becoming one of the “emotionally done, using sarcasm and wit as defence mechanism and using over excitement as a curtain to hide anxieties” person, but well well! Here we are!
I was supposed to be the Phoebe of my life, I ended up becoming Chandler instead. (I don’t mind tho. I love Chandler BING!!)
When dis this transition happen?
When did I stop caring?
When did my huge human contact network got converted into 5-6 humans who probably don’t want me to die? (I even ignore their calls lol)
When did I become a straight up bitch?
When did my mind become a temperament bomb ready to explode bad? (If someone tried to play with my wires.)
When did my 11 pm bed time changed to sleepless nights?
When did I adopt a freakin IDGAF attitude? (The eff finger thing tho)
When did my always cheerful face changed into an always digusted face?
When did this hopeless romantic (me) adopted a strong hate towards this entire concept of love and attachment?
When, how and why? Um, I don’t know and maybe I don’t care.
I didn’t sign up for human membership for this. Sigh
Ps – If any of the few readers question themselves with such hows and whys and whens… Checkout Jon Bellion’s Maybe IDK. Thank me later!
Until next time!