Something about the nights.
The dark, moonlit nights.
The silent nights with minimal sounds like the tik tok on the clock, hustling cool breeze.
The time when you are completely alone with you, your mind, your soul.
When the voices in your head takes over completely, speaking volumes, reminding you of everything that went wrong because of you or the people around you, but mainly because of you. Loading you with increasing deep guilt. You start to regret the choices you made. You start to think of what it could have been the other way and now, your back hurts. You change your sleeping positions rapidly, trying to shut your mind but it only makes you think more and more. And now your head starts to burst. You plug in your headphones and intentionally resort to soulful songs trying to find the lost comfort. You begin to sing along the lyrics with pure, raw feelings and emotions. Now tears stream down your face. This is how you spend your every night till the night where all your tears are drained. You become numb. Not knowing how to feel, what to feel. The black slug inside you engulf every fragment of positivity left in you.
You resort to painting or sketching or reading books. You try to find comfort there. Surprisingly the tranquility is restored, but not for a long period of time.
You now choose to talk to your near and dear ones. You’re now laughing. You’re happy. The life in you is restored again. But… Not for long. You are suddenly struck with fear, the what ifs. What if I get close to this person? What if I let this person in and then he chooses to leave like others did? Or what if I push him away like I usually do? You’re sad again. Back to square one.
Now you question yourself for everything. Wonder if you’re worth it. Wonder if you’ll ever be able to make it. Wonder if you’ll ever be happy. Well, guess what honey! No one is happy all the time. There are fragments of happy times in your sad times and vice versa. And this is what life is.
[Yes, I was talking about past me above. No, I do not feel ashamed and certainly not feel weak sharing my past state. Is there anyone of you who relate to this kind of weird situation?]
I have been reading this amazing book named ‘Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed. It is about a 26 year old woman who fucked up her life bad after the death of her mother. She fell off the cliff so bad that her marriage broke, her family fell apart. She decided to escape her caused agony by trekking 1200 miles approx along the North Crest Trail to Alaska passing through tough terrains, dense forests, vast empty desserts and the snowy hills. I am still reading it. I thought of writing a blog on this novel once I finish reading it but I cannot help but share the quotations I have come across this far.
Thinking, getting lost and feeling twisted, turned down and torned apart is normal. One cannot shut their head easily! Doesn’t work that way. People telling you to “get over it.” or “stop feeling depressed” sounds hollow and senseless to you. I know. Because, it is fuckin senseless. No one can help you deal with your own evil, dickhead voices. It will always be you vs you. All that matters is how you battle with them, defeat them and come out strong.
Let me tell you about a secret weapon that might help you defeat these asshole voices whenever they try to take over… Bitch! Be a badass. Don’t let them win yo! Be like Monica Gellar (FRIENDS reference sigh). Make “No one can fuck me over!” your anthem and you good. I promise you, you good. Focus on everything which is important in your life- the people who are there for you, your career, your peace of mind, be selfish and selfless when needed. Be like Monica Gellar, I repeat, be like Monica Gellar. You is always stronger than you’s anxious voices.
Ps – pain is inevitable. It might leave you for sometime but it will come to you over and over again. But so is happiness. It might leave you for sometime but it is sure to return back to you.
And if you find repose in soulful, sad songs… Make sure you listen to a bit of hood music once you’re okay because hood music makes you feel like you can take over the world!!
And yes. I do get anxiety attacks from time to time and they are bad. Really bad. But hey! I am still alive. Doing awesomely fine. Fighting negativity and coming out victorious because fuck yeahh! My life.
Relate to it, learn from me (yes, I am bragging) and peace out.
Until next time.