Earlier today I was listening to Terrible Love by The National after a long long time and as usual… I happily got lost in its lyrics. Craving for more indie rock semi-classic songs, after a long time I opened my music gallery and plugged back my earphones in. As I was in the middle of ‘getting myself lost in the music’ process… I realized that there are a lot of songs I could not listen to. I wondered why. Was the music bad? No. Did the lyrics suck? No. Then why? Well… memories.
I repeatedly switched songs even before they hit the first note because listening to them would bring back a lot of memories that I cannot handle reliving.
Funny how I cannot delete them because of memories attached to those songs and I cannot listen to them because of…well…memories attached to them.
They just exist.
While I was in the middle of typing this post, I planned on trying to verse my way through it and so after a lot of cuttings and thinking, I finally came up with this-
It’s 1am and I can’t sleep
I lay on my corner of the bed
As I silently weep.
The voices in my head taking over me
Continuously thinking of the what ifs and the could bees.
In an attempt to block these thoughts out of my head
I untangle and plug in my headsets.
Going through the various music applications
I skip, search and explore for that perfect song
Which could comfort my heart and calm down my frustrations.
Restless, I keep the search on
And that’s when I come across
The playlist of the songs which just exist.
I stare at the playlist with a known numbness and red eyes
As I think about how I attached it
With all those false promises and lies.
In want of heart wrenching songs still
With my shivering finger
I open the playlist and press on shuffle.
So I close my eyes and prepare myself as I go down the memory lane
Nervously believing that I could listen to it and still feel no pain.
As Coldplay begins singing the Warning Sign
I am reminded of that warm summer night
When I felt whole
When all those promises felt right.
Not even halfway through
I change the song
Next up is Coldplay’s The Scientist
With tears in my eyes and smile on my lips,
I sing along.
“Nobody said it was easy, oh! It’s such a shame for us to part.”
The lyrics remind me again of the what ifs
And this is how, with a sigh
I skip again to the next song.
In the same way
I start singing the lyrics of You Found Me by the Fray
As soon as it reaches its chorus
I change the song again.
Funny how the songs which once made me smile
Are the exact same ones which make me vulnerable and fragile.
This goes on till the point
I reach the playlist’s end
My mind tells me to delete it,
My heart tells me to keep it,
And this is how few songs in my playlist just exist.//
I hope you kind of sort of liked my attempt, at least!
Ps. My first ever try at free verses..poetry, basically. Cut me some slack. Okay? *puppy dog face*.